Last night as I walked up my street I noticed I could feel the muscles in my legs with each step. As I paid attention I felt as though it was my body was calling out to me, and due to my calm state, I’d heard it’s call.
And what I experienced next was a sort of homecoming.
In a flash I remembered all of the years of abuse – verbal abuse – I’d spewed forth directed at my body. Years of hating it, standing in front of the mirror disgusted. Waves of negative energy poured into it, without reprieve, and from me no less.
These days the concept sounds absurd, however I did it for so long that the experiences are etched into my brain. I’ve done a lot of work on learning to accept myself, and some time after that I actually started to love myself. All of myself.
And these days I can even place my hands on my soft belly, and feel warmth and love.
And as I continued walking along the street, deeply aware of my body and our colourful past, I felt compelled to take our reconciliation further.
That’s when I started to say; I’m sorry. From the depths of my heart, I’m sorry. Over and over again.
And almost in the same breath, I heard myself saying I forgive you. Thank you. I forgive you. I love you.
I was seeing my beautiful body for the wonderful vessel that it was. I saw my body as a wonderous creature who’d been assigned the task of housing my Spirit, to embark on this journey together.
I felt the insanity of hating on it for all of those years.
It’s fascinating what compels us to writhe in such hate. And I’m not only referring to our ability to hate ourselves, it’s our ability to hate strangers, people, just anyone and anything can get us worked up to rage.
And we all seem to condone it. We attack haters with more hate and feel justified in doing so.
It makes me wonder, what will it take for us to respond to hate with love?
Cos’ it seems to me that all of the hating isn’t getting us anywhere, and someone has to go first.
There is a well of love inside each of us, yet we cover it up with thick layers of hate. And any time we dip into our hate-layers, we strengthen them. It doesn’t matter where or to whom our anger is directed, we strengthen it.
Well I’m no longer strengthening mine, ever… For anyone.
It was through that beautiful experience of finally apologising for the years of abuse and being forgiven that I’ve been able to reach new depths of love and self-acceptance. It’s as though part of me was waiting for this day, and I finally showed up for it.
Do you have someone you need to say I’m sorry to?
I love you.
“It is a radical act of love to befriend yourself.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn